I am grateful for my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know it is true. I don't question or doubt. It isn't in me. I know I am one of the lucky ones.
I have thought about the prophets question and wondered if I knew how my Heavenly Father spoke to me. Was I always listening? Do I Hear Him when he is trying to reach me?
This last month has been a challenge.
March 14: we had to put Daisy down.
I adored my little Daisy. She was like a child to me. I get embarrassed to admit it but it is what it is and I absolutely LOVED that dog.
She was sick. I knew it. I didn't want her to suffer.
After several sleepless night, I approached Aaron and told him that after taking her to her scheduled appointment, if her numbers were worse, we should probably put her down.
Although the vets advised the same, ultimately, I made the decision.
That decision has eaten me alive for the past five weeks.
I have cried EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I beat myself up and feel so much guilt and regret.
I wish so much that I could go back in time.
Sunday morning
Aaron and I were talking about my sadness. I had tried to hide from my kids and Aaron when I am emotional or having my daily bawl session. But Aaron knows me and knew I was struggling. I finally sobbed and told him how embarrassed I am. How I wish I could move on. How I wish I could stop crying. How I put up a front and say "I am okay", but I am not.
I tried to blame some of my emotions on this quarantine, but again, Aaron knew better. Of course he tried to console me and remind me that I wasn't to blame, but he allowed me to cry.
I never questioned God about this. I didn't shake my testimony. I didn't feel like I needed Heavenly Father to say "I am here - it's okay". I wasn't searching for answers.
Back to Sunday morning
After my melt down, I went about the day. We did our home sacrament meeting. We did Come Follow Me Mosiah 4-6. We ate a nice lunch and I played Wackee 6 with my kids. I didn't cry again. I wasn't looking for answers. I wasn't praying for comfort. I did what I do every day. I cry and then hide my sadness and go about the day.
Sunday night
I got in bed. That was the first time I had checked my emails.
I have a friend that I still consider one of my BEST FRIENDS/SISTER even though we don't talk much anymore. She lived right next door to me during dental school. She now lives in Texas and although many miles separate us, when we do talk, it is as if we lived right next door and we don't skip a beat.
We haven't talked much lately, but this was her email:
Hey Dawn,
This has been one of my favorite songs lately. For some reason today I kept feeling like I should share it with you. Maybe you've heard it? It's kind of a tear jerker, but has the best message about faith, hope and healing through our trust in Christ and his atonement. I thought you would love it. Alyssa
As the song played, I read the lyrics provided in the link.
As you can imagine ... TEARS
Not because of Daisy this time - Because I knew I was HEARING HIM.
I love Alyssa with all my heart. I dare say she is probably one of the BEST people I have ever met. She doesn't hesitate when she feels a prompting. She HEARS HIM ask and she does.
As I said my prayers Sunday night, I thanked my Heavenly Father for Alyssa. I thanked Him for friends messages. I also thanked Him for letting me know he is aware of me. He knows how I am feeling - EXACTLY. I HEARD HIM and was so grateful.
